Eulogy
by Queen Of The Potatoes
Summary: One last goodbye.
1. Chapter 1

_When I think about it  
I know that I was never there  
Or even cared  
The more I think about it  
The less that I was able to share  
With you  
I try to reach for you  
I can almost feel you  
You're nearly here  
And then you disappear  
You disappear  
__**~Disappear - Beyoncé**_

_**

* * *

**_

Three years.

That's all we had.

Three years, and only barely.

Three years, and two of those not even really knowing each other at all.

It wasn't long enough.

Nowhere near long enough.

There was so much more to learn about you, to share with you, to give. So many moments wasted. So many days that I could have been that much kinder, paid that much more attention to you, seen your smile that one more time.

I didn't think that I would have so little time with you.

I knew that you wouldn't be around for long. Nobody is, especially if they work for Torchwood. I knew. I just didn't let myself think about it. I'd lost so many people already. Why think about losing you? You were always there. Taking care of me. Taking care of the team. Always with a cuppa and a sarcastic quip or two at the ready.

We took you for granted because you were efficient and neat and _there._

That ingratitude eased as time went on, as you showed us again and again that there was more to you than a hot body in a suit that cleaned. Though you definitely were beautiful in those suits, with the fitted cut that framed your lean - yet still masculine - build, and clung to your perfect ass.

In fact, I had even taken to dropping things around the Hub for you to pick up just for a chance to stare. I'm pretty sure you noticed. You would roll your eyes as you bent over, a little smirk twitching at your lips. Even when you began sharing my bed I kept doing it, mostly out of habit. You kept picking up after me, but gave more of a show.

There were so many memories at that Hub. It's a pile of rubble in a crater now, but that doesn't mean I can't remember. I had been living there, pretty much, since before the turn of the 20th century. I'm sure you know…knew that. You knew everything. A lot of the most recent, and the happiest, were with you.

To start out with, it was just sex. For both of us, I'm sure. Could be wrong about that, though. Wouldn't be the first time, especially when it came to you; I never could quite tell what you were thinking, what you were feeling. Like with Lisa.

You were always hiding. Even when you would arch under me, your eyes dark and warm and blue-gray, your breath coming in short bursts through your open mouth, your skin slick with sweat and other liquids, I never really saw all of you. There were walls that I couldn't breach inside your head, inside your heart.

And I tried. God, how I tried. I could bring down other barriers around your soul, the small, weak ones. I counted them, each small surrender; letting me see your _real_ smile; our first real date; your hints at a past you weren't telling; your tears against my shoulder after Tosh and Owen; nights when I stayed at your flat even when we didn't have sex; my name whispered into the crook of my neck; your hand warm in mine on the street.

Each time you gave me a little more, but not much more. Each time I gave you a little more of myself; but not enough. I wondered, sometimes, if you would ever trust me enough to give me your heart.

You never will, now.

It's too fucking late.

You're gone.

I was there as your frail body succumbed to the poison.

I watched as your bright eyes faded under the dull haze of death.

I felt your last breath against my lips, in my mouth.

But I still feel as if you're still here, even though I know you're not. As if all I have to do is wake up one day and you'll be beside me, and you'll smile at me, and it'll all be okay.

You told me, once, that you'd watch me sleeping. That you'd see me smile even then. You hoped…you hoped that I dreamt of you. You were close.

I smiled because I knew, no matter what I dreamed of; it'd be you that I'd wake up to.

Every morning I wake up and I search the mattress for your warmth that isn't there, won't ever be there again. Then the pain hits and I can't breathe. I feel it choke me, compress my heart and leave me to drown in my own misery.

I'll cherish your dying kiss for the rest of my existence. I hope one day that I can die, so that whatever afterlife there really is, I can see you there.

Will you be waiting for me?

Would you want to?

It's my fault that you're dead. If you had never had known me, would you still be alive? You could have had a family, a wife and children and grey hairs and a life.

Instead you got a broken man who didn't pay enough attention to you and a job that killed you at 26.

Twenty-fucking-six.

You were just a kid. Still trying to be comfortable in your own skin, to find where you stood in the world.

No.

I think you knew where you stood.

Beside me, right up until the end.

Even as you died my name was on your lips.

I keep running the situation over and over in my head, seeing everything that I had done wrong, and what might have been if I had done things differently. But it's no help. What's done is done. Even the Doctor can't mess with his own timeline; what chance do _I _have?

So you're really, really gone. And I have to keep going.

But I'll keep my promise. I won't forget you.

As long as I live, I will remember you.

I never said goodbye, did I?

Well, this is it.

Goodbye, my Ianto.

I think I loved you too.

* * *

_Too late, too late__  
I never said goodbye  
Too late, too late  
Can__'__t even ask you why  
And now I__'__m wasting  
Away in my own misery  
I hope you've finally gone  
To a place where you belong_

_My sadness shows  
As your name is carved in stone  
Can__'__t erase the words  
So the reality grows  
I wish I__'__d died  
On that night right by your side  
__**~A Place Where You Belong**__**—**__**Bullet For My Valentine**_

_**

* * *

**_

_**A.N; **__I hoped you liked this! I'm thinking of adding another chapter to this, of Ianto's last logout. Reviews would encourage me to write it. ^^_

_Much love,  
QOTP_


	2. Chapter 2

[flicker]

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[flicker]

_**Torchwood Three;  
Jones, Ianto;  
Final Logout Procedure;  
Title: Last Message To Jack and Gwen  
Date: 3**__**rd**__** August 2009**_

[flicker]

_The Hub is quiet; the faint rustle of Myfanwy in her nest, the hum of the computers, and the tide of his breath are the only things to be heard. His appearance is only slightly less than pristine, but this is glaring obvious to anyone that knew him well enough. Almost ethereally, his features are highlighted by the blue glow of the monitor.  
He is decidedly uncomfortable._

So.

I'm dead. Or've disappeared off the face of the Earth. Or've been retconned back to puberty on the off chance I've done something incredibly stupid. Something _else_, anyway. I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did for Li—for the Cyberwoman, even though you have. I know it was years ago, but still.

It's weird think of it like that. Years ago. It's like something that you'd say, Jack, when talking about something that happened in the twenties. Or the 51st century. Time travellers have the strangest idea of continuity.

I didn't have that scope of time. I'm turning twenty-six in just over two weeks. My life wasn't exactly...long.

_He sighs._

Sorry, stating the obvious. But I'm sure you'll be seeing this not long from now, or not at all. I make a new one every two months. Used to be monthly, but... well, I was running out of things to say, and things that I've repeated tens of times before get kind of tiring after a while. Maybe this is why this is turning out less...well, less crap than the last one. This one isn't much better, though. Thought processes don't turn out as well at four a.m.

I'd make it at a better time, but... it's not often that you fall asleep, Jack, and it's less likely that you'll find out about it now than if I made it when you weren't. Asleep, I mean. If you found out, you'd probably try to hack it. Don't deny it; I _know_ you Jack.

_An affectionate half-smile quirks his lips. The set of his shoulders begins to soften._

At least, as well as you'll let me know you. I know... what makes you laugh; what makes you hide; what makes you smirk; what makes you smile _that_ smile. I like that one the best. Starts right at the back of your eyes. You can see it building up long before it actually reaches your lips.

Well.

I still don't want you two to find out about this just yet. Yes, Gwen, you are getting a mention. Try not to faint with shock, but I care about you. You and that "Rhys" bloke that keeps following you around. Take care of each other, alright? Since I'm not around to do it anymore.

_The smile slips off his face, regaining the tension he had lost. He licks his lips nervously._

You'll find out sooner or later, but... I've been lying to you. About my family; my past; all that. I just... I'm... I'm sorry. I'm a coward, I know I am. If I wasn't, then why would I lie to my closest friends? Why would I be so afraid of telling Jack that I love him?

Because I do. I really...do.

_Pause._

Again, I'm sorry, for lying, and hiding, when I promised I wouldn't. I was scared that, without my... my façade, maybe the person I am won't... live up to expectations. I suppose that's my defence mechanism; when vulnerable, talk complete and utter bullshit. Maybe that's just a general male thing. Even now, even though I'm not even talking to you face to face, I'm afraid to say what I mean.

Well. Better late than never.

What I really want to do, now, is thank you. For everything. After I lost Lisa, I had nothing. I had no home, no friends, no hope; no reason to live. I couldn't see more to life than just enduring. It was all I was. But you understood that. You knew what it was like. Well, Jack, you did. Gwen, you tried, and that means more than you can know.

When I was alone and hurting, you helped me. All of you. Both of you. After everything, after I betrayed you, almost got you killed - _did _get you killed - you treated me like I was worth something. Like I meant something.

You were constantly there. You'd sit with me, and we'd drink, and talk about nothing for hours on end. I can remember every dinner that we shared, every small gesture. When I needed to be alone, you'd back off. Only a little. No sense of personal space, you lot. It's more endearing than I ever thought it could be. You gave me a sense of... of normality, in this mad, mad world we live in.

You... I felt..._wanted_.

I can't thank you enough for that.

And...

_He smiles, small but real._

I loved almost every minute of our last years together. Really. To quote our darling Tosh – I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

And don't you _dare_ try to take the blame for my death. Whatever it was. I made the choice to be here. Be with you. I could have left at any time, and I didn't. I know what I wanted, and it was this. You.

And don't mourn me too long, yeah? Try to remember me, but... keep living. You taught me that there's more to life than surviving. Don't be so quick to forget that lesson yourself.

I know that you probably won't listen to, or obey, that bit. You're as stubborn as I am.

_A more professional look manifests itself suddenly._

Anyway, practical stuff. The paperwork – my death certificate, among other things – are attached to this folder. I've dealt with most of it, just fill in the gaps that I didn't. My lawyer has my Last Will and Testament, and she'll sort out what goes to whom once the official report of my death has reached her. I've also left notes to do with the archives. You, and whoever you hire to replace me, will probably need them, knowing you. And yes, you _are_ going to hire somebody else. You're not infallible, and even if you were, there's no possible way that the two of you can handle the Rift on your own.

_The mask of the efficient secretary slips away, leaving a more fragile expression. _

...Jack?

I couldn't think of a better person to spend the rest of my life with.

I'm glad it was you.

_He looks up suddenly, reacting to a sound that the microphone doesn't perceive. Turning back, he taps lightly at the keyboard. His next words are almost inaudible._

Love you.

_A smile and blue-grey eyes are the last image as the video ends._

[flicker]

_**Administrator Harkness, Jack; Save Message?  
Y/N**_

_Yes_

_**Torchwood Three;  
Jones, Ianto;  
Final Logout Procedure Complete.  
**_

[flicker]

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[flicker]

* * *

_A.N. Now, that was a _lot_ harder to write than the first chapter. Maybe it just seems like it, because the tone is different in hindsight than foresight. Also, the fact that exams are going on right now does NOT help productivity, especially when your work ethic is as bad as mine.  
Gah.  
Well, I hope you liked it.  
Arohanui;  
QOTP_


End file.
